Me and My Women #4 - A

Lesson learned from this woman:
You can not fix a broken heart, even if you try your hardest.

A has been one of the weirdest encounters that I have ever had with a woman. All women I have met were sort of planned, or always had a long time of getting to know each other before anything else. I met A after a prom in a very posh disco, in which she only partied, because someone dragged her there. She felt uncomfortable there, and I did aswell. I knew her from way back, when she used to date a classmate of mine, and I did find her interesting back then, but I never had the guts to talk to her besides saying "Hi!". So when we met there, we somehow started talking and chatted all night, until I had to drag my drunk sister home.

During the whole time of me bringing my sister home I thought only of her, and how I didn't even know her name and neither had I gotten her phone number. But since our two and a half hour chat had been very intense and we had found, that we had incredibly many things in common, I wanted it badly. I felt an urge I had only known from women I had known for quite a while and who I had liked alot for quite a while. So once my sister was safe in bed I went back to the club and just as I stand infront of it she comes out to go to her car. I shared my kebab I had gotten down the road and got her phone number, which was the beginning of something big for me.

This had been a Friday. A and I met everyday from Saturday to Wednesday, having alot of fun and getting to know each other. On Monday I already had very strong feelings for her and felt, that I could maybe finally become happy. She told me how she had to hold back to not take my hands and similar things, but as she had been disappointed by her earlier relationships she did not want to start anything before she was not 100% sure about her feelings.

I could not understand her lack of feelings, especially regarding the things she told me. We were verbally intimate and loving, but I had decided not to take any actions because she said she needed time. The next Friday I went to KiSiWo, and when I came back A was already on her way to Switzerland, where she had a job as Au-Pair for six weeks. We called each other regularly during this time, everything seemed to be fine. But I also knew she was going to go to Cambridge once she came back. And I was going to start my study in the Netherlands. It would be hard, but doable, I thought.

When she came back, we still met atleast every second day, but I felt that it was not going to work out. Don't get me wrong, we were still very close, as close as before, but I just knew, that if she needs this long to commit to something then it was hardly going to work out. She said she was going to come to the Netherlands during winter, and how she would miss me, and we said goodbye.

The moment she came to Cambridge I started to help her through probably one of the roughest times of her life. She was incredibly unhappy with Cambridge, or rather with the courses she was taking. She missed home, and she said she missed me. She changed courses, I was still in love with her, we moved on. End of 2007 she came to the Netherlands, where we had a very good time together. I felt as close to her as in the very beginning, and I thought she might finally commit to me. Though these hopes were quickly destroyed, as she said that we had already discussed that, and that she just didn't feel this way. I let her go with a smile on my face.

That winter we did everything together. When I finally came home from the Netherlands we were inseperable, inseperable friends. It hurt me to be with her, with her in such distance to me, yet when I was at home I could think of nothing else but her. But nothing happened. I let her go to Cambridge again, and I eventually picked up my study in the Netherlands again.

There came a point at which I felt that I would finally need to get her out of my head. I tried thinking the whole story as objective as possible through again. I figured that I had done nothing wrong, and that she had actually not played fair. She had rejected me, yet had kept me close-by, so that I could always jump in and help, because she knew she meant the world to me. I started getting grudgy about her, and managed to entirely forget about her in a loving way. I still cared about her though.

Recently we have been having contact again. I've been listening to her complaints about her study. And I'm actually looking forward to meeting her in probably less than a week: She's home from Cambridge for the summer. Now let's hope old feelings don't warm up again.