Me and My Women #3 - M

Lesson learned from this woman:
Never give yourself up for a woman.

I've told you all of M before. She's the only woman I've had something called a relationship with. Yet, for some reason, seeing her nowadays touches me the least of all "My Women". This will probably be the longest story of them all though. Sit back and relax.

M is the little sister of a girl that watched over me when I had my own weekend that I later oversaw with E (and M). My brother was there aswell. He was in the age of M's sister, and they became friends. Through this I first heard of her, even though I didn't really know who she was. Halfway through 2005 though, I met her on one of the preparation meetings for these kids-weekends. I thought she was pretty, and I actually knew quite a bit about her. I fell in love with her pretty quickly, without telling her of course. We'd travel back from those meetings together, as we lived in the same direction, and that's how we first got talking.

My brother told me a few more things about her. Amongst other things I learned that her mum had died in the beginning of 2005, and due to that, she was cutting her arms. She told me herself not long after, when we were talking on the phone for hours. She actually holds the record to date of the longest phone conversation between me and a woman, which is currently 7 hours. You can see, we got to know each other fairly well. I knew she was attracted to me in a certain way, but as always I was very bad at interpreting the attraction.

We started meeting each other, were harmlessly lying next to each other on her bed, sometimes cuddling sometimes chatting. And I still wasn't sure whether I should make a move or not. The chats we had were surreal at times. We would discuss how basically only the making-out part was missing for us to be a couple, yet neither would make the move. One night after such a surreal chat I was about to leave, when she grabbed me, kissed me, and wished me a good night. This was the beginning of our first relationship. Only about a month later she already left me, because she was going to go into a psychological clinic, which was going to help her get over her mother's death and the general situation at home.

I was hurt, when she left me, especially since it had been my aim to help her help herself. I was now powerless. She left to the clinic, I met her there after two months, we were friends. Midway through 2006 I graduated from school, and her and I got back together. We had a good time then, even though she was still very depressed, still cut herself, and her eating habbits weren't exactly perfect aswell. But we worked around it.

Later that year, as you might know, I left her, because I knew I was going to travel through Australia in early 2007. I knew I had to split from her because a. I knew it would break her heart to see me leave, and b. I needed the time seperated from Germany to fully live Australia, I didn't want to be bound to message regularly etc. It came differently, as her and I got back together only days before Australia started. We lived through it aswell, but only two weeks after I came back she left me for another guy.

I was devastated. Her relationship only held for a couple of weeks, during which I met C again. M and I developed what people call a "friends with benefits" relationship, during which I met and fell in love with A. When M heard of me talking about A, she realized that she wanted me. I had to turn her down as my heart was taken again. It took her a while to accept it, but she now is in a new relationship and it seems to be going good. I on the other hand have been having nightmares as of lately, in which M balmes me of being responsible for her mothers death. I e-mailed her, seeking help, to which her only response was a spammail concerning gas prices about a month ago (two months after the help-seeking e-mail).

So I told her that she should not contact me anymore. The nightmares have been reducing lately, but I am very sad about how the whole thing was handled. It is her time to make a move.